8.12.10 - Laying my burdens down...

I had a relatively safe blog post planned for tonight. But this week, and especially tonight, I seem to have a heavy spirit...thoughts I've long ignored and feelings I've managed to push to the side have been creeping around me this week, and I happened to take notice. This seems to be a habit of mine - I go and go and go, rarely stopping to address issues and feelings that need to be aired out, but instead I quickly hide them away. It's very similar to how I sometimes "clean" my house. Everything goes into the closet and into junk drawers to hide the clutter, time and time again, until those drawers and closets finally burst at the seams and overflow onto the floor. I am overflowing...and I am overwhelmed.

I know I am supposed to lay my burdens down, but these are tricky. I want to look at them, observe them, feel them and let myself remember. When I go to clean my closets, I often will be sidetracked by seeing things I haven't seen in awhile, trying on that old coat I'd forgotten about or looking at old photos stuffed away in a box...It all brings back a past I chose to hide away, full of memories. I noticed myself lately beginning to do that with old thoughts and old feelings...of Liam's birth and surgeries, of our life just shy of one year ago and how it changed forever...I don't want to let go because I want to remember. I want to wear it because now, it has become familiar.

I think all this has been surfacing lately because of a couple of important things happening right now. First, Liam is starting daycare on Monday. This afternoon, I went up there with Dustin, my dad and Liam in order to go over his medical notebook and be sure (again) that the teachers were comfortable dealing with everything and with all his "accessories". While showing them how to use the feeding pump, flashbacks of my first time learning the ropes in the NICU kept popping up in my head. Those same feelings of inadequacy and fear took hold of me, as I realized the magnitude of what I was asking of these kind women, who have offered to care for my son, to do. The flashbacks then jumped to being home with Liam for the first few months. Living on pure adrenaline, just trying to keep my head above water...constantly fighting off worry and doubt, prayer after prayer after prayer going up.

The other important event happening is his swallow study tomorrow morning. This has always been a source of anxiety and stress for me. This will be our 4th one, and I am really hoping it is our last, but always preparing for a possible repeat in the future. My heart's desire is for Liam to be a normal child in this area of his issues...for him to have juice, water or a bottle whenever his little tummy desires, and not just routinely every 4 hours during the day. I remember my feelings of hope and certainty that first time, knowing that surely he had healed and could get that tube out. But that hope quickly faded and doubt took its place....will he ever get better? How long? What next??

I've realized while it's good to remember, maybe even try it on again, I don't want to get stuck there, living amongst my past. I know that our life can change again at any moment...and I know someday it can change and WILL change, and I know my God and I know it's all for His glory. God's got a lot of work in me....lots of clutter, lots of burdens...for it's a heavy road, the heart mom trails. Different paths lead us through different battles, but they all bring us to the same conclusion - we will get through it and we never walk alone. For the lover of my soul walks beside me, carries me and takes up my cross with His if I'll let Him. Come walk with me...